A friend told me that she loved my mind. A mind so deeply ridiculed by the constant racing thoughts trying to analyze every interaction I have on a daily basis. A mind that can comprehend why it keeps choosing situations that only make me feel misunderstood by those around me, but can't comprehend how to stop this never-ending cycle.
I am constantly choosing the same person in different clothing only to end up forcing a completely different sense of self to emerge from the experience. And when I do this, I give into the lust of the emotions bubbling up. They slowly seep through the cracks I so carelessly patched up in previous encounters drowning me in a deep emotional suffering that convinces me that I need to run from the idea of love I built inside my head. Pouring all that emotion into making myself so desirable that there is no conceivable way another person could look at me and think “I don’t want this.” Fine tuning the intricate details making sure I am picture perfect so that I completely avoid any further disappointment, only to realize that I cannot avoid the disappointment of a love that I would never let succeed in the first place.
I thrive on the disappointment. I crave a love so heartbreaking that it makes me suffer to the point of death and rebirth that will inevitably lead to pursuing the search for a romance that is on the surface so deep and profound.
But underneath lies the truth that it is and never will be enough for my undying search and destroy mentality. The only answer is that I can never be happy with someone that isn’t myself.
I crave so badly to be understood but also have to make sure no one can understand me so that I am safely protected by the labyrinth of my complicated emotions and thoughts. Because I don’t actually want someone to want me for who I am, I want to be perceived as so complicated that no one can have me. I want others to constantly be trying to figuring me out even though they never can reach that goal. And I want someone with the same mentality, but as soon as I figure them out they are no longer good enough for my impossible standards.
But I think the biggest fear within me, is that if I ever find a love that breaks this cycle I will lose my passion for growth and change. Because this is unknown to me. Would I find peace or would I find a life of boredom far from the excitement of the game of chasing ghosts of people I will never actually get to know?
But is it growth if I keep making the same mistakes with the same people?
Or is it a masochistic mentality?
At the end of the day, these thoughts may come off as narcissistic and driven by ego. But the truth is these qualities lie in each of us and I am merely preaching to the choir. Even if the choir’s ego is telling them that they don’t relate to this self-sabotaging mentality.
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