Romance is a subject I find myself all too familiar with in the most negative of ways. I have always craved romance. As a child I watched the most turbulent romances on screen at the local movie theater and later recorded on my television through HBO. I saw movies as something I could relate to because I felt everything so deeply that a fictional character's story could cut through me like a hot knife. I thought I could feel what they were feeling and I craved a love as enormous at theirs.
And yet, as I got older I found myself compromising for love that was nowhere near as attainable as the ones so thoughtfully made for television. Overtime I found myself accepting the bare minimum. And later, accepting even less than that.
I then found myself hating love altogether because through family, friendships and romantic relationships I started to learn that love is one-sided pain. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or worse, for me to love those who constantly make me suffer alone.
Being left out in the cold is one of the worst pains I've been through and, for me, that compares to the searing pain of chemotherapy. As someone who has fought a rare cancer nothing hurts more than being abandoned or suffering from a broken heart.
When I would first start my new round of chemo I would always get anxious. They would stick the IV in my arm and set up the bags of Bleomycin, Cisplatin and Etopiside. I would break out in fiery hives under my skin that felt like the flesh was being melted off of me from the inside. I could smell the chemicals from the pores in my nose like I was sniffing glue. I would scream and cry and thrash around because I couldn't manage the pain on my own. I still have the scars from this on my arms and neck to this day. I wasn't allowed to receive the treatment for this unimaginable pain until after it started, and then once it started I had to wait 20-30 minutes to take the only medication that would alleviate the pain and wait for it to make its way into my system. My parents would get teary-eyed as they asked the nurse if there was anything that could work faster. The answer was always no.
Eventually, the pain would subside and just be a general uncomfortable warmth that was met by the tears streaming down my face. But the one thought that got me through those unbearable moments was that "it won't always be like this."
I find myself thinking this as I make my way through my modern life. Especially through my dating life. Because it might not make sense to some, but for me, a broken heart is worse than what chemo did to me. I feel everything so deeply and have been taught from a young age that if something is wrong I must be the problem and I must find the solution.
However, now as I am older and have been through many good and bad relationships with family, friends and lovers, I realize that we are all doing our best and it won't always be like this. We are both the problem and solution. Until we know better, we subject ourselves to the pain of settling for less and continuing to suffer. But we still crave more within our suffering. When we realize that we deserve more we are scared of being alone. But sometimes it takes us being alone and seeing what we truly want through trial and error that allows us to find what we truly need.
I still crave a love as deep as the ones I watch on television and I believe that I can have that fairytale romance. But a lot of those characters had to weather very big storms before meeting their endgame. And sometimes, that endgame starts with being there for yourself first and reminding you of what you truly deserve.
I used to imagine kissing in the rain at the end of the movie where we realize we've loved each other all along and can set our differences and petty arguments aside. But now, my idea of love is dancing in the rain by myself simply happy to be alive and have a chance to screw everything up, knowing that I can start again and rewrite the script at any given moment. Life can be depressing but it can also be filled with limitless possibilities at every failure. You can find hope in the simplest of conversations with strangers and unassuming glances.
There is only one song that I feel truly captures this feeling and there are no words at all. The cover of Where Is My Mind by Maxence Cyrin. The original song obviously has words that I am sure you're familiar with, but I promise that if you listen you will find the same feelings of sadness, happiness, fear and hope. They are all cycles we go through but as you listen you'll find that it wont always be like this.
If you need me, I'll be dancing in the rain to this song.
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